Survival
by JigokuShoujosRevenge
Summary: Everyone was listening to the devil's whisper, but I kept staring at his face. Then there was eye contact and my world sank.
1. Eye Contact

I need you to know right off the bat, this isn't a love story or one to inspire hope or whatever. This is the story of Otogakure, Orochimaru, and why a sadistic psychopath has loyal (however you choose to define it) followers.

First let's get to why he has his troops. It isn't because he's charismatic. Well, it's part of it. His tongue is honey and could seduce you to kill your most cherished loved one. But that's not what attracts the worlds vermin or upstanding citizens, which doesn't mean a damn here. Orochimaru emi-, no, is power. Everyone who sees him, wants a piece and clings to him hoping for it to come.

Some think they can overcome him, use him like a puppet, but they don't see he holds the strings. I'm a disillusioned type of girl. I'm lean, like most ninja, with short, thick, unruly, brown hair. I'm flat chested, have no real figure, and I fade in the background. That's a useful skill in a place like this. If you want to stand out, you shine and bear the scrutiny of Orochimaru. If you just are noticeable, Kabuto takes interest. You don't want their interest. I'll explain later.

I wasn't an outstanding ninja. I didn't lead a cursed life, plagued with bloodshed. I was a ninja, but barely a chuunin. When Orochimaru came to the village, he didn't look directly at me or see me. He stood there, radiating his glory and asking people to come with him. He spoke of what was _possible_ as though we could attain _something_! I went with him, leaving behind my parents. I later heard a rumor the village was slaughtered.

When we came to his village, he divided us up: civilians, civilians with potential, ninja, and ninja failures (genin). I'm sure very few of them are still alive. It's hard to survive here. People kill for fun, for punishment, to be made examples of, or because Kabuto ran out of a certain kind of corpse (or blood type, you know he has the rarest blood type). My next few thoughts will be of my day.

* * *

Orochimaru was being a busy little bee. He was exuberant, which was unnerving. He had chosen a new vessel, since his old one rotted. It was a training day before the seizure of Konoha. I felt bad for being a part of destroying an entire village, but once you're here, you don't leave.

"Tatsumi! run these scrolls by lab 8 to Kabuto-senpai."

"Hai." I have a unisex name. I doubt the man knows I'm a girl, but with some of the men roaming these halls, it could be a good thing.

I took the scrolls and didn't care what they were about. The less questions, the easier it is to sleep at night. Rumors were the only things that got to me. There were plenty, but currently my mind dwelled on the hit list. You are given a document to give to Kabuto. On it, it grants permission to kill or use the messenger. I've heard scarier stories. When they begin to happen, though, your heart stops.

I walked calmly for someone who may very well be walking the green mile. I got to the wing with the labs, and tuned everything out. The screams, begs, if you try hard enough they can be drowned out by your own thoughts. Seeing how I was playing the secretary, I wouldn't staying here long.

I walked in the lab at the wrong time. Kabuto had his hand in someone. Right in their stomach, but they weren't cut open. The man was alive like most subjects. When he was in such a jovial mood, I didn't like to disturb him, because he would, could remember me. I tried to set the scroll on the counter by the door, but he ninja skills were as sharp as ever.

He swung around smiling with his glasses gleaming in the light. "For me?" I nodded and extended my arm towards him. He took the scroll and looked it over immediately. He frowned. My stomach did backflips and my hands tremored. He patted the scroll in his hand. "Is this all of it?" I nodded. "Really?" His eyes narrowed a bit. "Who gave this to you?"

I was in a panic. He would remember me. "I don't know his name. He just came onto the training grounds and said it was for you."

"I see." He looked towards the ceiling in thought and waved his hand to dismiss me. I went only five steps into the hallway before he asked the most condemning question. "What's your name?"

I paused. "Tatsumi. Raponga Tatsumi."

". . . Thank you for your time." I walked away as fast as I could, feeling his stare hit my head.

* * *

The rules here were simple. Survive and go unnoticed, unless you can move up. What insect ever ate a snake? After finishing my usual routine, I walked back to my room unnerved. You were kept on the base. You stayed within earshot of the people, loathsome backstabbers trying to move, to keep you in line. The only flimsy sanctity you had was your own private quarters. I never entered my room.

Orochimaru and Kabuto were walking in my direction. I don't want them in my room, reading, analyzing me. I couldn't lock them out. I held the optimisim (a dangerous thing) they would walk past me. And they did at first. About three feet away they stopped and Kabuto turned to me. "Tatsume-kun, we meet again so soon."

"Kabuto-kun, introduce me to your friend." He had the smirk on his face. I suddenly wished to know what was on the letter to put me in such a dangerous position.

"I'm sorry. This is Raponga Tatsumi-kun, right?" I nodded, keeping my eyes in front of me, but not looking at the two men in front of me.

Orochimaru laughed. "Kabuto-kun, how rude! It's quite obvious our little Tatsumi-kun is a -chan. Isn't that right?"

I stiffened. I think I'm being mocked, but could there be an underlying accusation? I slowly nodded again, more weary at what was happening. I suppose my survival tactics weren't the best but they brought me this far. _My Play It Safe _rule book can also be labelled, _A Good Spy Always. . . _When Orochimaru takes notice of you, you stand to the best of your capabilities to show you can be indespensible. ". . . Sirs, was there a problem with the note I gave to Kabuto-senpai?"

"Please, not so formal, Tatsumi-chan. Why would you ask something like that?"

"I don't believe in coincidences. And you acted oddly after I gave it to you. . ."

"Child, an intelligent move, but Kabuto-kun only meant to introduce us. I love meeting his. . . friends." It was some kind of joke that was lost to me, but there were rumors, I could think of. Some think Kabuto, to keep up his innocent guise, will exercise his skills in befriending and seducing chosen playthings. He raises his emotional intelligence and satisfies his more carnal needs. (Sexual tension not being the only one)

"Tatsumi-chan? What is your current assignment entail?"

I jolted, the unease doubling. "I assist in overlooking the training ground by the north wings."

"How mundane a job. My dear, how would you prefer to switch to lab duty with Kabuto-kun. He always tends to run short on friends."

The levee broke. There is no way to say no to the man, especially when I couldn't tell where my piece was on his chess board.


	2. Stalemate

I felt their envious gaze on me. I had walked back to where I was previously stationed to report my change of duty. To them, I'm sure I'm moving up. In about five minutes I would probably be mince meat. I pretended not to notice or care, but from the corner of my eyes, I looked around for a flash of pity, for a sign of realization. A kindred spirit. I walked out of the room disappointed.

I had more time to myself now. Planning Konoha's invasion left Kabuto and Orochimaru indisposed. Kabuto was a spy and Orochimaru, a kazekage. No lab work or experiment was scheduled. I doubt there would be a point because no one of importance was there to observe and assess me.

Now would be an opportune time to go over the hierarchy of Otogakure. You have a pyramid scheme. Tippy top, Orochimaru. Second doctors and scientists. Third, ninja. Last, the subjects. No one moves up. Many move down.

Ninja are towards the bottom of the list because they are expendable. They are practically mercenaries you can find by the truck load. I also have the assumption that Orochimaru thinks so highly of himself, he doesn't view the army as a necessity. He could single handedly go through the village and kill nearly everyone there, but it wouldn't be that fun. The hassle would take so much away.

Orochimaru's life's work is his study. Mostly it attributes to finding new jutsu, but the studies and experiments pushes his genius to new heights. Doctors and scientists assist him with his work.

I suppose in the pyramid I should add another slot, for the ones with the curse marks, but I don't know how to fit them. Yes, they've been cursed, but in this place it counts as a blessing. It's hard to explain. You're built up to be brought down. You're created killing machines that aren't quite that expendable, but oh so gullible. They all have a little grim reaper on their shoulder with a double edged sword.

I can tell you about Kimimaro and my theory on him. His illnesses connection with the curse mark. I'll tell later when we meet him though.

Kabuto walked inside my room. "How nice this is, but it's not really home-y, is it?" My room didn't have much. There was a cot and a dresser. I liked things simple. I thought about a calendar, but why would I need it? The days meld and mesh here. You don't exist because you're a machine, not even that but random pieces so easily replaced. I didn't need him here. I don't want him here. I want to leave the machine. I'm cracking. "What's your fondest memory Tatsumi-chan?"

I froze inside. A boiling numbness placed itself within me. Here Kabuto was barely five steps within my room, and already he was trying to look inside my head.

{He's not part of the machine.}

I wanted the question to be rhetorical, but by the gaze he held, I knew it wasn't. He didn't look sinister or smug, rather his boyish charms (if I had been any lesser a woman) could have made me swoon.

{Trap.}

If I were to answer honestly (straightforward), I would be strapped down and slowly picked apart with the precision of a surgeon. Any simple thing to the trained eye can be diagnosed. The words in which I use to describe the event. . . So mighty is the power of observation and words.

Dear God, lying is worse. A trained shinobi could see through any lie. A lie could put me under even greater scrutiny. I'm sure everything said or done is reported to Orochimaru. I could end up dead pending what that note said.

{I need that note.}

And to not say anything at all is speaking too loudly. I've already been forced into the game. I only have but one trump card. I can only play it once to gain the upperhand. I once read a novel in which a totalitarian government removed the ones who understood and lived by the rules society laid out. Even if the leaders had the undying loyalty of said people, they were removed. Knowledge is power. It's my trump card.

{Do I have power?}

"Tatsumi?"

"I find myself too busy to dwell on matters such as those. It's been so long since I've actually tried to think of one, if I were to try it would take a while to find one." Almost immediately I heard my mistake. It echoed around my ears. Too late. Too slow. My fists clenched as I realized the leeway I gave him with that unnecessary last sentence. He knew I was unhappy here.

If my slip up pleased him, his face didn't show it. As a matter of a fact, the boyish charm that seemed almost natural (if I was a lesser woman) could have made me swoon.

"Is that so? My fondest memory is of my medical training. You can never understand the satisfaction such power can bring you. You can call it a god complex, but most people have this power, only as a doctor, people lay themselves out before you. They _give _you the power. In a flash, I can cure someone or poison them. Blind them, give them sight. It bring such an arousal, but not the sexual kind. We don't speak of it often, incase we be labelled mad. But we learn so _intimately_ how a human works. We watch and observe them under a microscope. Knowledge is power. I've become such a good spy, learning to retain -no- gain more knowledge while keeping my head down. It's so fun to play."

He walked to the door lingering in thresh hold. "Orochimaru loves playing games, too." He left with a smile on his face as my breath left me.


	3. Dead Girl

After much dodging and very short word exchanges, Kabuto and Orochimaru suddenly had free time. The Leaf and Sound village were nearing their day of war. Everything in place. I've watched new faces adorned with Sand headbands shuffle past. The expendables. What ever troubles in planning that caused such time consumption may of had something to do with Orochimaru's new "allies". Or he was being extra cautious. As conceited as the man is, I don't see that being it. For sure though a break in the chuunin exam was the cause of my pain.

I hoped that with all the business about I was an interest they didn't need. The duo gave me a few invitations to a meal with them or to sit in on a sparring match. I declined with I'm shamed to say frantic, half assed excuses. They smiled kindly and promised to ask again when convenient. But then finally, I was given an order, forcing me to spend my time with Kabuto.

For all the bloody experiments and sheer madness brought within the walls of the labs. I was surprised at the blank, humane settings. Not that I let it show. We seemed to be reading through old data and proofreading or updating information. Afterwards we cleaned and took inventory of Kabuto's supplies very meticulously. Kabuto is a very precise man.

It was through these mundane tasks, I met Kimimaro. A boy so brainwashed if Orochimaru spat on him, it would be a gift. I should start from the beginning and where this was lead from.

I know I am in the labs assisting Kabuto in grunt work simply because I am untrusted. I have little to no medical training. I have only basic knowledge of science. And as unremarkable as I am they most likely are unsure if I would stomach the experimentation or become a nuisance. Orochimaru and his lackeys have no need to fear me. All these things lead to Kabuto watching me work from the sidelines in silence.

"What are your thoughts on Orochimaru-sama?" I made a mistake. I paused in my counting and lost track of the number of IV bags. The question was unexpected, but an obviously more direct way to analyze me.

"He is a powerful man."

"Why yes he is. As a general opinion all the three sannin are powerful. But what do you think of _him_?"

I turned my head to watch his face. To look for a gleam of mockery or humor. His face was placid, as though this was an everyday conversation piece. _And maybe it is. _"He is . . . an intelligent man (manipulative), devoted to his own devices (unsocial due to his obsessions), and holds much respect (fear, power)." These bits of information were the usual praises you could pull from any schmuck here.

"I see. . . Would you believe in his utter kindness? His ability to find _-lure-_ the most lost and pained souls and help them find or achieve a goal. He takes so many under his wing. And then he smashes them, molding them, creating weapons of his design. He sets them with destinies that benefit him. He devours their souls so they are puppets."

So badly I wanted to call back, _How is that kindness? You see the demon and his black heart laid bare in front of your eyes yet you percieve it as a kindness?_ But I stayed silent and hoped in turn he would also.

"My, my. Maybe Orochimaru-sama is right." I instantly became rigid. "I have so few friends my social skills lack. I can barely keep up a conversation with you. This work is boring. Let's say we took a break and visited another friend of mine in the isolation room." He walked out of the room knowing I had to follow.

The isolation room is a place in the medical wing for people with illnesses that haven't been cleared, meaning they may or may not be contageous. The room is usually devoid of anything until an occupant is found. Afterwards the room is cleaned thoroughly, leaving the scent of ammonia to settle.

When Kabuto and I arrived the room was emissing a patient and there were no traces of a clean up crew coming in. Not like this deterred Kabuto by much. I noticed Kabuto hide his eyes in his glasses' glare as he spoke monotonously,"Kimimaro probably went to visit Juugo. I am sure he will return momentarily. Let us wait."

Juugo is a familiar enough name in this base. He is the beast who is the cause of the curse seals. Perhaps beast is harsh, but from what I heard he came to Orochimaru voluntarily and asked to be experimented on. I keep my ears to the wall to pick up any information that can keep me safe or out of the way. It's hard to separate fact from fiction often, but at one time I was so lowly a genin that I was occasionally assigned clean up duty. I cleaned up Juugo's carnage. I've never met him personally or even seen him, but I know the bodies I cleared away were jounin and chuunin.

I heard there is one person who nullifies Juugo's episodes. Seeing how Kimimaro exchanging a pleasantry-based visit with the beast, I immediately inferred who it was. And that scared me. I've heard stories of Kimimaro before hand; mostly they referred to him being Orochimaru's new vessel and falling out of graces. I suppose he only fell sick, but considering the timing of the sickness, he fell to obscurity. The Sound Five fell to Four (for it still had it's uses resurrecting barriers and curse seals or what not). The spoken of vessel was now an over hyped Uchiha boy.

The Uchiha hadn't come but he would. He was given a taste of power with no means of using it. He was shown up by Orochimaru and had no choice except to listen to his guilded tongue. the Uchiha clan was forsaken when Itachi was born. Even the survivor.

"Have you eaten?" Kabuto's questions broke through.

". . . "

"Kimimaro has detached himself from his IV drip, so he is missing lunch now. It would be a shame if Kimimaro returrned to a meal, but left his guests to watch hungry. I could get us something."

"No thank you." I would end up poisoned or drugged.

Kauto's glasses flickered in the light as he leaned over my face almost as to kiss me. His voice held a cold humor. "You know I would never experiment on my friends. It's very disconcerting how you push away Orochimau-sama's and my own kindness. I have to wonder of your motives."

I wanted to lean away, but I would be showing how antsy I was. It was only the other day when he said how he and his master were so fond of games. They had so much patience in such matters. Wasn't this approach too direct for a game? It was a plain accusation. Why? _Because you won't play along. _

_The rules are changing, _"I'm sorry,"_ because you won't adapt._"It's just that -" _Adapt._ " I don't mean to be rude,"_ Please push play to commense. _"I'm on a diet." _Game select. Bullshit._

"A diet?" He sat back in his seat and suddenly the moment before didn't exist. "I'm sure I can bring whatever it is you have to eat."

"I eat at scheduled times and I can't eat for another hour."

"I see. You girls and your habits."

Maybe they already knew how my mind worked. They already came to a decision, but needed to pass the time. I was a dead girl dancing for their entertainment so I may maintain a physical essence for as long as I could before atrophying.

And with my revelation I was no longer a wall flower, but Kabuto's best "friend."

**A/N: I DON'T WANT TO STOP WRITING. I merely have issues where I need to write slowly to pan through my ideas and keep in the proper tone or else my writing becomes erratic and as I later read back through inconsistent and random. I'm sorry but I can't guarantee long chapters of frequent updates. Keep reviewing to remind me though. I almost forgot. Kimimaro is in the next chapter. Minor mentions of Juugo. And way later more prominent interactions with Orochimaru. Thank you for staying in touch. And my space bar is iffy sorry if words blurr and I didn't catch them.**


	4. My New Friends

God. If I could take back any excuse I gave Kabuto, I would say anything other than a diet. Sitting, waiting for Kimimaro, I became famished. I think this mostly stemmed from Kabuto suggesting food. Now I needed it, it felt. The forbidden fruit. . .

"Tastumi, it's getting quite late, why don't we go looking for Kimimaro? It would be fun to meet Juugo also."

_Oh god. A demon. _"People aren't supposed to meet with Juugo without assignment. "

Kabuto's glasses flashed with the light and a wide smile broke out over his face. (Or was it a smirk?) "You're such a straight arrow, Tatsumi. {_What does that mean?} _As the top doctor I hereby bestow the assignment to accompany me to the dungeons."

If I'm scared to go does mean I'm to weak to keep around? If I go, is it a trap to kill me? If I take too long to answer, do I fail whatever he's asking automatically? What if this is some munipulation tactic? Oh God, am I breathing funnily? Can Kabuto tell? _IdontwannadieIdontwannadieIdontwannadieIdontwannad ieIdontwannadieIdontwannadieIdontwannadieIdon_

_"_He's harmless with Kimimaro around if you're worried."

My mind went blank and I stupidly parroted,". . . worried?"

"I've heard the rumors that circulate around here, but most of them are outdated or widely exaggerated. And if I had your obvious lack of muscle definition, I would worry too."

He turned and began walking. My feet moved automatically with his. I needed to address the issue before it sounds like I agree. But honestly I wasn't strong. If anything, I could describe myself as limber, which came in handy often.

If it was anyone but Kabuto, if I had my old position back, I could make his life inconspicuously miserable. As the longing and nostalgia trickled by, "I'm not really weak."

"Hmmm? Speak louder."

"I said I'm not really weak. Hand to hand is sufficient. And I have an affinity for water jutsus. I am a good ninja."

Kabuto learned his reactions from anime. That is the only thing to explain his turning around abruptly and grabbing my hands _{I am not a lesser woman}_ , looking into my eyes with "sincerity" and giving an apology and speech on bettering ourselves. I honestly think we read the same manga or watched the same anime that the speech was from.

_(I realize he's mocking me but is the way on purpose? Does he know what I've seen? Or my preferences?)_

"I never meant to make it sound like an insult I swear! Forgive and forget?" [enter nod here] "Great! [continue walking] I didn't think it would bother you. You always seem quiet and the 'speak only when needed' kind." _{Whatever game he was playing I think I lost}_ I thought the talk was done but as soon as the silence started to become comfortable - "Let's start training together."

"I can see Kimimaro up ahead." For a moment I thought I saw something sinister flash through Kabuto's face at my obvious avoidance. And I felt ice coursing through me and gripping my heart in a vice grip from the sheer terror. And it stayed! I had dropped my guard without realizing it, but even with it, that fleeting second would have consumed me much the same.

Standing in front of Kimimaro, I found it hard to speak. I bowed low to cover and collect myself. When I straightened, I managed an introduction. _{He's intimidating too}_ "I am Raponga Tatsumi. It's a pleasure to meet you Kaguya-san."

"No need to be so formal we're all working together and will be working closely for a bit."

Kimimaro just watched from the doorway of Juugo's cell. I felt his eyes roving my body critically. "She looks like trash." _It sounds like I've been called weak again. _

Honestly I don't think he was trying to be insulting. If he really belived that appearances were things to judge people on, the standards he had for himself would be low. While muscled well, he was thin and pale with heavy bags under his eyes. He posture was both rigid and slouched. I'm not sure how far his disease progressed but it was enough to make him look like a walking skeleton

"Kimimaro don't be rude, she is a dear friend and associate of mine."

Kimimaro's eyes flickered to Kabuto before returning his attention to me. He bowed slightly._{That must be painful.}_ "I apologize for my rudeness."

I kinda felt surprised at how Kabuto's words were taken to heart. Whenever people about each other here, it's usually in envy or spite. Or they don't talk at all. Kabuto being respected shouldn't have surprised me seeing how loyal and useful he was to Orochimaru, but it still sounded creepy.

"It's fine." _And right now may be a chance to escort Kimimaro back to his room without meeting Juugo. But if Kabuto knows what I'm doing?. . . No with Kimimaro looking like that I can pl-_

"Hello." A small voice hung in the air. I was surprised to see it belonged to the person in the cell. THIS was Juugo!?

**A/N: Wow shorter than I thought it was. I realize her inner monologue has become more . . . loud (at least to me), but I hope the way she interacts with others is still good. I had to reread this story because I forgot about it. Which is horrid, so I'll try to get to more of the actual plot. I wrote this a while ago but forgot to post so I'll try to be better. Thanks to the people still reading.**


	5. There Will Be Blood

Juugo looked incredibly. . . human. And harmless. And smiling. I am was what.

Juugo had orange, wily hair. Hs eyes were orange and calm. When he saw me with the group a shy look overcame his face and _he ever so vulnerably murmured,_ "Hello."

"U-un." I flinched internally. I coughed throatily into my hand, hoping my actions could be masked. _{Is it better to look physically diminished or mentally?} _I bowed. "Pleased to make your acquaintance."

Kabuto stepped in front of me. "She is my new assistant. You can socialize for now but in a little bit she will be taking some blood and tissue samples."

"I'm not a medical nin or scientist." My blood ran cold. This truth is more terrifying than I could have ever imagined. Rumors don't just start here. And something of this magnitude couldn't be hogwash.

Was this a trick? A joke? A lie? Do they just want to test my reactions in the face of danger? Any man can be put in a cell built indestructibly. 'Your worst and most dangerous enemy is the person that injures you under the pretensions of friendship'. Is this what I am to accumulate here? They suspect me stupid?!

_{It is more terrifying to accept a kind man who would wish no one harm could transform to a writhing mass of destruction.}_

"I know. I'll be here to guide you." Kabuto took off his glasses to wipe the lens and smiled at me. "Orochimaru-sama has some important experiments to start and will need all available help which would be me." He pushed his glasses back into place. "And of course you by association."

He put his hand in his back pocket and pulled a black pouch. He then made a shooing notion with his hands. "Socialize. We have time."

I could hear the laugh in his smile. It became so tangible, filling up the room, I wondered _[hoped]_ it would infect Kimimaro and ''Juugo". I walked closer to the duo and tried to catch their conversation.

"Juugo, How are your fits? Are they as frequent as before?"

"No, but there has been absolutely nothing here and no one visits. The one's who leave my food try to be very . . . stealthy, so I'd think it rude to acknowledge them."

I found it ironic how the human skeleton was worried about this person's health. This man for all intents and purposes was built like a wall.

Their conversation continued and I suddenly realized I didn't know how to inject myself into the conversation. With Kabuto's smirk drilling itself into my back, my mind began racing.

_This is a test. Watching me socialize is a test? Maybe it's what I say or how I act with important Orochimaru subordinates. [am I too tense?} __**They want to kill me.**_

Let's say they put me in a situation with a psychopathic inmate. Then they tell me to talk (offend) to him. Then shove a needle in his arm(get within grabbing distance). Why else would I get multiple comments on my skills?

"How long have you been here Raponga-san?"

My eyes darted to the prisoner. _Does knowing the exact time show my dislike of this place? Not knowing makes me look diminished mentally. [__**Kabuto's smile**__] _"A long time." Rather then apathetic I heard negative connotations in those three words. I wondered if I should smile.

"Oh. Do you remember what village you originally hailled from?"

"No."

Somehow this sparked approval in Kimimaro's eyes. "You must be a very loyal and capable ninja." _That and I never met Orochimaru and Kabuto directly before now._ I gave him a smile.

"Do you have family residing in Sound?"

"No."

"Kimimaro is my family. When've know each other for a very long time." Would smiling now seem sardonic rather than kind?

**"Do you have a fucking personality?" **Something inside me stiffened and a wave of nausea crashed into me as I stared at Juugo. He had immediately threw down his head and breathed heavily after speaking.

Kimimaro walked to his side and placed a hand on his shoulder. "Would you like to rest now?'

It was hard to tell in the position Juugo was in but I think he was bobbing his head. I began to back away. Whatever was inside Juugo, anything that could sound like that, I didn't want to be near it.

"Is something wrong?" Kabuto's[**smile**] voice was directly to my right _and how moronic could I be to try and slink away with him watching?_ He nearly sounded concerned.

Juugo spoke up and for a second my nausea left me. "I'm sorry. It's been a while since I socialized with others. I think it's something I should be exposed to in small increments."

"Well she isn't such a social butterfly, but she's no Kimimaro-kun either." Kabuto raised his arms and shook his head. The 'What am I going to do' message came out menacing to me.

_["It's very disconcerting how you push away Orochimaru-sama's and my own kindness. I have to wonder of your motives."]_

"Do we come back later today or tomorrow?"

Kabuto turned to me, his voice bright. "So eager for another visit? I'm gonna get jealous." I felt taken aback by the sincere humor in his voice. _Oh God. I just voluntarily agreed on frequenting this place. The experiments- I've open doors to doing God knows what now. _**Or is it seeming suspicious as to why I would want to get on good terms with Juugo. {**Or is sems weird to want to spend access time with someone}

"Tatsumi-chan We better hurry. Juugo looks like he can't hold back for much longer." A pouch was shoved in my hand. "Fill the syringe. You know where the veins and arteries are right? And these q-tips? Swab the inside of his mouth."

**Author Notes added: I guess when ever I upload the chapters will be 900 - 1200 words. Tell me what you think of Juugo. From what I read random stuff sets him off at random times. I don't know a lot about his character except basic stuff.**


	6. Counter Measures

I just need to distance myself. Breathe in. What is the most logical approach? _[I can't get out of this.} _Breathe out. Should I wait for Juugo to calm himself? _{He'll just get worse} _I could ask Kimimaro to help.

_Weakness._

I don't want to die. _{How long has it been up to you?}_ Please. _[Be tactful.] _How? **Drag Kabuto down with you.**

**. . . **

Kabuto_['s smile]_ watched my hand grab the supplies from him. **Take him with you. **In. Out. _[Not defiant. Not imcompetent. Just matter of factly.]_ I felt a swelling giddiness rising in me and I was afraid I stole Kabuto's smile. I bit back the hysteric laughter and made eye contact.

"I'm not a medic-nin. I know the general locations of veins, but such knowledge I'm sure is insufficient."

"True." Kabuto was still smiling as he pushed up his glasses. _{You didn't think you could win this, did you?}_

"So it's only fitting you should accompany me and dictate my actions." The nerve that spurred me on was unravelling as I watched Kabuto become either more amused (his face had a strange glow to it as I spoke) or completely unaffected.

"Of course I'll be overseeing your work. I wouldn't leave you alone with Juugo in this state!" _Liar._ "You must've been so-_NOnoNonONONoPLeasEStOpNO {Too late}_-frightened."

_Preferring death? _Didn't I just say the same thing? Can I diffuse such an attitude to make that statement obsolete? _No. _Can I say something clever to counter it?_ Was not. _Ignorance is bliss. _Sure. _**He won't let it go though. Take control of the situation.**

"Kimimaro-san, will you stay by his side and keep him as calm as you can?" He nodded, moving quickly to put a comforting hand on Juugo.

* * *

A quick authors note: I don't like needles. I don't like thinking about them. I just realized how retarded I was to build it up to a major thing in the story where needles will be showing up often. So if my descriptions wane or jump around, I'm so sorry.

* * *

I thought about taking a calming breath but seeing how I just told Kabuto to intently watch me, I would only play into his [smile]. I could see Juugo's veins pulsing in his arm. His skin, deathly pale, contrasted to the darkening grey. I felt Kabuto over my shoulder.

"I suppose you won't need my direction as much as we first thought."

_I heard the monster eats people. _"I suppose not. While I take the blood," I placed the container with the cotton swabs in his hands,"You can take the tissue samples." I, for once in a long time, felt like smiling as I heard the rustling of his clothes. I almost laughed. With him as the first thing in Juugo's eyesight, I'll not only have time to react, but be rid of my trailing madness.

_**I'm sure Orochimaru will find you less interesting knowing you caused his top man's death.**_

I was surprised that Juugo's blood was red. Not a dark red either. It looked normal. I hadn't paid much attention to a person's veins before and I assumed his would be different, but his body seems normal. I eyed Kimimaro. He seemed to really calm Juugo down. Or can he look normal before a rampage?

No. His veins aren't as pronounced anymore.

_Kimimaro being here and us needing to collect samples aren't coincidences._  
**How does knowing that help you?**

**. . .**

**. . .**

"I'm finished, are you?" I couldn't see his face in the odd lighting. Just glinting glasses and a cheshire cat smile.

* * *

I feel calmer now, exiting the jail. If this is chess where everything is planned ahead, I have a chance at survival. I just have to play long enough for him to get bored.

Kabuto insisted on escorting Kimimaro back to his room. Underground it becomes easy to discern the hour once accustomed. It was much later then anyone appreciated. I can't remember all the "tasks" Kabuto asked me to do, but I wouldn't be able to get any done today.

"Kabuto, I'll be retiring to my room if that's all right?" I would be lying if I said I found it rude that he barely acknowledged me as he answered. It made me happy. I was not a priority and now I had time to plan.

Laying on my bed, I made sure not to relax. I don't know when Kabuto will become bored again. The best strategy to follow would be to benignly socialize with Kabuto until he finds me as boring and petty as other people. The problem is obviously what to answer and in what way. With him as a spy, I assume he would only speak in a roundabout way to get his information. It would be easy to guess what kind of questions he would ask. I should also answer in ways that put the spotlight on him. Dedication of his caliber means his past has some traumatizing skeleton. If I do like prodding I might make him uncomfortable enough to slowly distance himself from me.

I could lie about most personal information and create a set story to go by. I don't speak to anybody. I came from a nowhere village, so it's not like he can confirm it. I would have to check and make sure nothing I say puts my loyalty in question. I should create a personality as fake as Kabuto's but it seems to dangerous. He'll obviously see through it and who knows what kind of psychological analysis can be made from it. Or he could take it as a veiled threat.

Do I have family? No.  
Do I have dreams? I want to strengthen my status in Otogakure.  
Religious beliefs? Agnostic.  
Opinions of the political structure of the ninja and our village's placement in it? . . . I should first garner Kabuto's opinion and create my own accordingly but not an outright copy. That would look too suspicious.

Kabuto would be hard to deceive, but not impossible.

**One last author's note. I won't use these to explain character growth or thoughts because I think the writing (good writing anyway) she get that across. So people who review, tell me how you think of the characters so I can see if I'm getting what I want across, across.**


	7. A Fool's Dream

I had it all planned out. After a few more hours of deliberation, I fell into a restful sleep. Now, walking down the hallway to the labs, I felt calm and collected. I felt the air of respectability and confidence I had once carried with me at the training grounds _return_.

And it was beautiful.

Until I made it into my destination and realized plans never go according to plan if there is a second party involved or third.

_{I supposed that I was quite mediocre in chess. While I always had a plan, the refusal of my opponent to follow it often lead to a stale mate or defeat.}_

I'm quite sure there is a proverb for this situation.

"Hello my dear."

I straightened my back and bowed. "Good morning Orochimaru-sama." When my bow finished, I kept my sight away from his eyes. His skin glowed almost translucently under the fluorescent lighting. (Which was creepy enough.)

His arm was elbow deep in something grotesteque and bleeding. While whatever the mass was could have been human shaped _(so many rumors) _it was more . . . hairy and bones sseemed to more naturally_ (nothing about that thing is natural)_ jutting out of the flesh. I couldn't see the head _(more like didn't want to)_, but I'm sure it was horned (or tusked).

"Excuse me." I began to back out of the room (_make sure not to put your back to him_). I felt my foot slide over the threshold, back into the musty hallways. At this point you see, I naively thought I had entered the wrong room, which was embarrassing enough, with all of my morning hype, but to walk into the wrong room with our leader to witness it was (while he seemed to be in a less than homicidal mood) utterly nerve breaking.

"Going somewhere, my dear?" Now looking back on this moment (_ah, hindsight)_ I see me moving in a disgustingly slow pace. In actuality I know I was moving a little briskly. Just not enough.

I bowed again. **(As I find constantly being bowed at annoying, I hope he finds it ego inflating.) **"I was requested to meet with Kabuto and help with his work." I hated myself for sweating. This damn place wasn't close to cold, but I wasn't sweating when I walked in here.

Orochimaru set down whatever he was holding and turned to me with a _**(that fucking) **_smile. "I see and do you often meander into rooms without thought?" _(I see and are you often this incompetent?)_

I felt my heart beating louder. Because there isn't a good excuse for something like this. _(So many experiments. I wonder what was in that scroll?)_

Forgive me? _What have you done that needs forgiving?_

It won't happen again? _Where's your proof?_

No is best but- "No, lord."

No. _Yet you did now? Why?_

"Being unaware of one's surroundings can be the death of a ninja," _(I don't want to die)_", but an inability to adapt and abandoning a mission _will_ be the death of one."

"Huh?" **(Poetry my dear! The epitome of your intelligence, truly)** I tried to cover up, but was cut off.

"Kabuto had important matters to attend to, my dear. And I thought I should take the time to get better aquainted with you. Maybe help sharpen your skills."** [I'm already his experiment, aren't I?]**

"With all due respect, Kabuto had me doing menial labor, not actual assisting in an experiment." _{The body is twitching with the rhythmic movements of one's dying breath}_ "I don't even know the names to a majority of your tools. _(So many tools.)_"

Orochimaru's shoulders began trembling and I jumped _(He was definitely too preoccupied to notice)_ as he threw his head back and laughed. And now I was in dangerous territory, but not for any reason you're thinking of. His laugh wasn't cruel or mocking but jovial. So much, in fact, I felt like I was conversing with a friend. Very much against my will, I was letting a barrier (erected for this very reason) come tumbling down. And I was very much disturbed that he _knew_ to do it.

"That boy is such a terrible friend. He passes all the work onto you to enjoy all the fun for himself." Orochimaru composed himself wiping tears from the corners of his eyes. With my barrier down, I made eye contact. **(Why desire the Sharingan? Snake eyes are hypnotic enough.) **"This," he dismissedly gestured at the creature, "isn't what you will be assisting me with. We will be heading to an alternate room for our work."

_Calmly. _"What work?"

A gentle smile crinkled his lips. "My, so eager." He held the door for me. "Come." As I walked forward his arm came to circle around me. **[Don't tense.] **He languidly dragged his hand over my arm and neck. He pulled away, making a dismissive noise in the back of his throat. "This way."

I followed him without comment, trying instead to quell the unease he brought with his touch. _{You can't hide in he background anymore.}_ We surprisingly didn't walk far. (If I thought to hard on the subject, I would think he wanted me to watch him remove viscera.) **{Your future.} **It was only two doors down from the previous room and cleaner. The unsettling note: all rooms in this wing are built identical. It felt surreal enough _(the gore and horror devoured by the room in an instant)_ to prickle my skin.

Again, in a gentlemanly fashion, the door was opened for me. _(I don't want to die.) _"We have much work ahead of us." The closed behind him with a soft click. "And much to discuss."

Or so he said. As soon as 'discuss' left his lips, he crossed the room and lost himself to whatever file was on the counter. I thought it best not to speak since I obviously had no idea _why_ I was here. My eyes flitted around the room to take in information, but I couldn't understand anything. Pills, processed herbs, bottles with unpronounceable names** [Congratulations, you are in a lab]**, all of which made me lose more sense of control. **[A blind experiment.]** Please shut up. A pill bottle hit me in the head.

I heard the rattle as it made impact. It took me a five second delayed reaction to dumbly tilt my head to the floor and stare at a pill bottle. The lid was ajar, but thankfully I didn't have to further humiliate myself by trying gather any spill. Unfortunately, I immediately raised my head to stare at Orochimaru's blank face. ". . . We really do need to get you to work on being more aware of your surroundings." I hastily retrieved the bottle, **[Good dog]** but was unsure of what it was. It wasn't labelled and through the green-tinted glass were brownish capsules.** {An experiment you can help with.}**

"I remember when I first met you Tatsumi-chan." He moved away from the counter he had been leaning on, with slow, precise steps towards me. "I remember how in that sorry little mountain village, you stood in a crowd of people, watching from the back." He was in front of me, raising his hand to my face. "I remember your uncaring eyes spark when I promised power. A way of life better then one you find in a desolate village. _(I'm pretty sure it was only desolate after you visited)_ And that spark is still there." His face was uncomfortable close to mine. His dilating eyes trained on mine. "A spark, I'm sad to say, I haven't nurtured." He pulled away. "You were a chuunin when you came here, correct?"

I stared at the pills. "Yes."

"And you are still?"

"Yes." But I'm alive.

"And you've gotten recently weaker due to my indulgence of Kabuto-kun." I raised my eyes. "You've lost some muscle mass, since I first saw you. I've not given back what I had promised you long ago, I'm afraid. So I decided this was my chance."

"This is what I was going to assist in? I have to test this?" Fuck. You. Why not? I'm fucked too. I _can't _disappear back to the background anymore. Even if I bore or scare off Kabuto, I'll be closely monitored and constantly scrutinized. Optimistically, if I don't die.

"Have to? No no no. I would never force Kabuto-kun's friends into something, but," He moved close to me again, putting his mouth to my ear,"_don't you feel disgusting?"_ I froze at the voice he used. "So much potential, so much waste. A shinobi is _worthless_ without a purpose. And you? Your position here was swept aside on the whim of another for what I can only assume was because you were _unnnecessary_. Everything you were, everything you _are_ -wasting away." He fell back to a (respectable) distance. Almost as if he wasn't trying to entice me. And with eyes trained on me and a melodic voice, "I don't remember that girl in the mountain village being pathetic."

And now I must clear up how obvious it is I am being manipulated. I'm not stupid enough to think I'm special enough to be remembered (except for that fucking scroll). He remembers me? I'm not stupid enough to buy a vague recollection that could be pieced together from whatever files _(which in no way he would he been ready in front of me)_ I was in upon becoming a sound ninja.

To obviously build me up and tear me down and leave me with him as a crutch? To wave a promise of power in front of me? Everyone who comes here, comes for power. Sell me a dream that half the fools chased into the dungeons?

I'm not a moron.

And now that that is cleared up, now that you understand where I'm at, understand that just because it's manipulation, doesn't mean it's lies. Just because I know he built me up to tear me down, doesn't mean it didn't hurt. And I already bought that dream, when I left that village.

I'm not a moron. But I am a fool.

"Take two, my dear."

Yeah (I opened the bottle without hesitance) there is a proverb for this situation.

Many are the plans in a person's heart,  
but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails.

**A/N: Wow, this was fun to write. I'm surprised at the groove I got in. And how much of a psychotic downer she went to from chapter one. Please excuse any spelling mistakes. My keyboard isn't the best and sometimes it doesn't type. I'm going to try to do better with this story. I really don't update enough. And though the character isn't in the best frame of mind, continue screwing with her.**


	8. Intermission

I swallowed the pills dry. And waited. And waited. And-

"Any effects setting in this quick would be either a placebo or hysteria." Orochimaru chuckled. "Patience."

"Was that all there was to this?"

He gave a leisurely shrug. "More or less I suppose, but it isn't as simple as you believe. You have to take them every day at the same time. Write down any progress or abnormalities you notice in this journal." He tossed me a cheap, black notebook that I made sure to catch with as much grace as I could.

I flipped through the pages uninspiredly. A few pages at the beginning were torn out and a lightbulb in my mind flashed on for a second, goading me to use a pencil against indentation trick to find out what they were about. Until I smashed it with a hammer. I didn't need to know anything that would get me killed. I realize no longer being in the background meant I was a walking target, but some things I just had to rely on. (Or maybe I just wanted to keep something familiar to me.)

"One last thing. For now, let's keep this a secret between you and I. It'll be a surprise for Kabuto-kun. Any check ups or health concerns that arise in the near future, bring directly to me." He smiled at me and for the first time _(surprising enough with all that paranoia)_ that this drug Orochimaru fed me, really wasn't tested. That I was the first person to deal with any malforming **(twitch, twitch)** or degrading _(Poor Kimimaro)_ side effects.

As sickening as my thought were becoming, I shoved it to the side. "Understood my Lord. Was there any other tasks I was to assist with?"

"No. Just report to training ground 4. A few other chuunin are doing drills. I do hope you'll be participating daily. Why, you've always been such a wallflower, none of the other chuunin I've spoken to really remember you."

* * *

I've spoken so . . . specially about Orochimaru and Kabuto that they must seem like the devil. Or a triumphanting evil. No, it isn't so. While they are bad and I spent time not in their spotlights, I spent a great deal avoiding other higher ranked ninja and scum working in this village. I may not be an exotic beauty, but I am female and as long as a girl can put up a fight a man can have interest.

And I won't say I'm only worried that someone will rape me. Some men I've noticed are sexist to the core. The women should be healers or spies (*coughwhorescough*) And the women who are just shinobi are (or they try) beaten to submission.

And then there are the women shinobi who think they are the shit because they are beautiful or damn good at wrapping men around their fingers. (Honestly, these morons are the type Kabuto usually goes for to mess around with. He does love his mind games.) Garnering attention from Kabuto hasn't given me their favor.

Finally there are the tragic ones. The moronic who ran into this place unwittingly. The ones fighting for something. The ones who think this place _is _a godsend. There just isn't any point in socializing with them.

If I could, I would avoid going to train. I mean I did train myself and keep in shape before, but I didn't do it with the others. I planned out my schedule to avoid people as often as possible. But Orochimaru didn't make suggestions.

**Okay: Super short, but that last one was long and I guess the chapter ends because of transitioning. I'll try to get it out by next week hopefully.**


	9. Symptom

I had walked back to my room and all but collapsed on my bed. I suppose that training alone did make me miss out on regular training drills. Or maybe I had just dulled my abilities assisting Kabuto. Either way, training was grueling. I was bruised and if today's spars allowed weapons, I would've been bleeding out probably.

Aside from a few backhanded comments and whispers, what I so morbidly assumed would happen never came to pass. Most of the talking was done by my sparring partner Takamura Doumeki. Though everything he said to me was derogatory, I am surprised at how _clean_ the fight was.

Most fighters (the last time I watched them) barraged their opponent with attacks until they collapsed (and some, until death). By clean, I mean my abilities were commented and critiqued constructively (still rudely stated, the asshole). He didn't incapacitate me in a way that would take a large amount of time to rebound from.

I kept notice of my surroundings. Other ninja sparring didn't seem to go at it as intensely as Doumeki. And they seemed content to limit themselves to one good match. Mine had a time limit. It was surprising to see that none of the others were dead. Considering the dalliances we've been having with Sunagakure, it makes sense. Something big was going to happen soon. I'm sure people were going out of their way to bring casualties down.

Even though my body is sore right now, adrenaline is still flowing through my veins and I can't fall asleep. And I can't help my mind from wandering to the pills. Did I feel any different? Did they do anything? Hell, I could've just been given a placebo. **(They **_**love**_** toying with you after all) **

I'm sweating and in need of a shower, but I don't have the strength. Laying in a tub of cold water sounds so good, it makes me angry. I really need to sleep this off. . .

* * *

I was surprised when I woke up that I wasn't as sore as I expected to be. The clock beside me showed I did sleep for a long time. Make no mistake, I was exhausted still, but after that rigorous training session I expected to be worse off.

Next to the clock was the bottle of pills. It was already tomorrow and I should take them again. _(Because you should push your luck)_ I felt dread by staring at them, so I took my bath, promising to bargain with my mind after I relaxed. But my thoughts stayed on the pills. Were they the reason I did so poorly in the spar or were they the reason my body was better rested?

I laid back in the water and tried to clear my mind. I stared up at the dingy ceiling. I believe I may not have mentioned how little our quarters have. While there is a light in the bedroom portion, the connected bathroom had only the sink, toilet, and tub. All other necessities were expected to be furnished by the occupants. I let my eyes focus on the candle flame (my only lightsource on the side table by the tub) as it danced.

My chest heaved a sigh as I resigned to washing myself quickly and leaving. Even if I wiped it from the front of my mind, it wriggled in the back. As I reached to scrub my shoulder, I noticed a light, splotchy pattern of discoloration along my arm. _(It looks familiar, like I've seen this before. . .) _**{If your first thought isn't 'What a strange bruise' it's something to worry about.} **It didn't hurt but I did have bruises before that I never felt. I scrubbed a little harder at it (still didn't hurt), hoping it was dirt. It wasn't.

**[At least you have something to write in your journal about.]**

I stood up and tried to look over my body and see if there were more marks. I didn't have a body length mirror I could check my back with, but from what I could see there probably was. I stilled myself and took a deep breath. Should I report this? Bruises after a fight aren't an oddity. Besides, instead of comparing them to bruises, I should say they are more like large freckles. **[Freckles magically appearing are still weird.]**

Under normal circumstances all symptoms should be reported and looked at, but this being Otogakure, the responsible duty becomes the dangerous one. Considering how I'm only a day along, it is too quick to end eveything and be dissected. Maybe.

Another breath.

I can't hide it. Eventually someone's going to notice me breaking out in _this._ And with my luck it would be Kabuto and then I'd be in trouble with Orochimaru.

Deep breath.

I don't need to hide it. I just don't bring it up. Orochimaru said to come to him with health concerns. This is an _abnormality_, not a health concern. I just need to write it in the journal. He never said when to turn it in. If I deem my journal is becoming too filled, I can just stop taking the pills and remove most of what I wrote.

But this plan circles back to Kabuto noticing and what I say to that. If anyone else asked I could just say bruises, but with Kabuto being a medic, I'm sure he could tell the difference. _{He's going to be away for a while. You have all the time in the world to think up a lie}_

I smiled in victory and turned to the closed journal on my desk.

* * *

I actually had a simple assigned duty today, given to bring Otoakure actual revenue. It was a B-level bounty for the rogues and bandits pillaging a small town in our territories. The mission was to "take care of them." None were ninja and rather than killing them, I was asked to escort them back to our village (which is the same thing as killing them I guess).

I was in a three man cell with Doumeki as the leader. I didn't recognize the other man and he offered no name. We had already set out and were crouched a small distance away from the targets' camp. "Raponga, just think of this like training. Here's the plan. We'll create a small distraction over in the denser part of the woods. When someone comes to investigate, we quietly incapacitate them and you return in their place. When night falls volunteer for a guard shift. We'll strike quickly then. Orochimaru-sama wishes that we bring as many of these men to him alive. Hyouka-san has brought a paralytic poison to douse on our weapons." He turned sharply to me,smirking, "Don't stab yourself."

My hair stood up on end as I indignantly whispered, "I won't."

"No problems then. Let's go."


End file.
